| A VERY remarkable history this is | |
| Of one POLYPHEMUS and CAPTAIN ULYSSES: | |
| The latter a hero accomplished and bold, | |
| The former a knave, and a fright to behold,— | |
| A horrid big giant who lived in a den, | 5 |
| And dined every day on a couple of men, | |
| Ate a woman for breakfast, and (dreadful to see!) | |
| Had a nice little baby served up with his tea! | |
| Indeed, if there's truth in the sprightly narration | |
| Of HOMER, a poet of some reputation, | 10 |
| Or VIRGIL, a writer but little inferior, | |
| And in some things, perhaps, the other's superior,— | |
| POLYPHEMUS was truly a terrible creature, | |
| In manners and morals, in form and in feature; | |
| For law and religion he cared not a copper, | 15 |
| And, in short, led a life that was very improper:— | |
| What made him a very remarkable guy, | |
| Like the late MR. THOMPSON, he 'd only one eye; | |
| But that was a whopper,—a terrible one,— | |
| "As large" (VIRGIL says) "as the disk of the sun!" | 20 |
| A brilliant, but rather extravagant figure, | |
| Which means, I suppose, that his eye was much bigger | |
| Than yours,—or even the orb of your sly | |
| Old bachelor-friend "who 's a wife in his eye." | |
| |
| ULYSSES, the hero I mentioned before, | 25 |
| Was shipwrecked, one day, on the pestilent shore | |
| Where the CYCLOPS resided, along with their chief, | |
| POLYPHEMUS, the terrible man-eating thief, | |
| Whose manners they copied, and laws they obeyed, | |
| While driving their horrible cannibal trade. | 30 |
| |
| With many expressions of civil regret | |
| That ULYSSES had got so unpleasantly wet, | |
| With many expressions of pleasure profound | |
| That all had escaped being thoroughly drowned, | |
| The rascal declared he was "fond of the brave," | 35 |
| And invited the strangers all home to his cave. | |
| |
| Here the cannibal king, with as little remorse | |
| As an omnibus feels for the death of a horse, | |
| Seized, crushed, and devoured a brace of the Greeks, | |
| As a Welshman would swallow a couple of leeks, | 40 |
| Or a Frenchman, supplied with his usual prog, | |
| Would punish the hams of a favorite frog. | |
| Dashed and smashed against the stones, | |
| He broke their bodies and cracked their bones, | |
| Minding no more their moans and groans, | 45 |
| Than the grinder heeds his organ's tones! | |
| With purple gore the pavement swims, | |
| While the giant crushes their crackling limbs, | |
| And poor ULYSSES trembles with fright | |
| At the horrid sound, and the horrid sight,— | 50 |
| Trembles lest the monster grim | |
| Should make his "nuts and raisins" of him! | |
| And, really, since | |
| The man was a Prince, | |
| It 's not very odd that his Highness should wince, | 55 |
| (Especially after such very strong hints,) | |
| At the cannibal's manner, as rather more free | |
| Than his Highness at court was accustomed to see! | |
| |
| But the crafty Greek, to the tyrant's hurt, | |
| (Though he did n't deserve so fine a dessert), | 60 |
| Took a dozen of wine from his leather trunk, | |
| And plied the giant until he was drunk!— | |
| Drunker than any one you or I know, | |
| Who buys his "Rhenish" with ready rhino,— | |
| Exceedingly drunk,—sepultus vino! | 65 |
| |
| Gazing a moment upon the sleeper, | |
| ULYSSES cried, "Let 's spoil his peeper!— | |
| 'T will put him, boys, in a pretty trim, | |
| If we can manage to douse his glim!" | |
| So, taking a spar that was lying in sight, | 70 |
| They poked it into his "forward light," | |
| And gouged away with furious spite, | |
| Ramming and jamming with all their might! | |
| |
| In vain the giant began to roar, | |
| And even swore | 75 |
| That he never before | |
| Had met, in his life, such a terrible bore: | |
| They only plied the auger the more | |
| And mocked his grief with a bantering cry, | |
| "Don't talk of pain,—it 's all in your eye!" | 80 |
| Until, alas for the wretched CYCLOPS! | |
| He gives a groan, and out his eye pops! | |
| Leaving the knave, one need n't be told, | |
| As blind as a puppy of three days old. | |
| |
| The rest of the tale I can't tell now,— | 85 |
| Except that ULYSSES got out of the row, | |
| With the rest of his crew—it 's no matter how; | |
| While old POLYPHEMUS, until he was dead,— | |
| Which was n't till many years after, 't is said,— | |
| Had a grief in his heart and a hole in his head! | 90 |
| |
| MORAL | |
| Don't use strong drink,—pray let me advise,— | |
| It 's bad for the stomach, and ruins the eyes; | |
| Don't impose upon sailors with land-lubber tricks, | |
| Or you 'll catch it some day like a thousand of bricks! | 95 |
